All this talk about bacon has got me thirsty
Posted on May 6, 2008
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I’m not positive if bacon is the root of all happiness, but I sure like eating the stuff. I’ve been trying to cut back, because it’s nutritionally despicable, and I’m worried about my waistline, and the layers and layers of fatty plaques clogging my arteries. But, hey, bacon tastes great, so I eat it. And I think about it. And I talk about it. But I don’t know a whole lot about it.
Like, how much bacon is there on a pig? Like is an adult pig mainly bacon, or just a little bacon? If you had a 500 pound porker, how many pounds of bacon would the pig be sitting on? Or does the pig even sit on the bacon, since I don’t even know which end of the pig is bacon? I know that if you have a cow, you don’t have any bacon. I’m certain of that. But I really don’t have answers to the other questions. I suppose I could swerve on over to Wikipedia and do a little research, but ignorance is bliss (or at least entertaining). Also, bacon has gotten expensive, so it would be interesting to know how much a pig could be worth just standing there.
I know that they do all sorts of stuff to the meat they take out of the pig to actually turn it in to bacon. They smoke it, and they cure it (whatever that is), and they slice it, and they put in all sorts of ingredients. So, there’s sort of a manufacturing process that turns the pig meat into the food we prize as bacon. Maybe its even an alchemical process, or something sort of mystical like that. It’s a real transformation. They take one thing that’s gross, and turn it into something else that’s tasty and irresistible. Now if they can take pig meat, and turn it into bacon, why can’t they take other gross foods, and turn those foods into things I like? Like, why can’t they take parsnips, and turn them into something like barbecue potato chips? Or maybe they do a little something to cauliflower to make it more like chocolate pudding? See, realistically, there should only be two or three kinds of food. Like bacon, smokehouse almonds, and Coca-Cola®. Those would be my favorite three. Now, what if they could take some really gross food that’s actually healthy for you, like asparagus, and, through the bacon/alchemical/transformation process, turn it into smokehouse almonds? I’d eat plenty of asparagus if it was like smokehouse almonds. And that would probably help my blood pressure, and my cholesterol count too.
Somebody should get to work on that.
Here’s what I’m thinking…
Posted on May 5, 2008
Filed Under Money, Children, Be Nice, Happiness, Advice | Leave a Comment
- While money may not be the root of all happiness, being broke can be a real downer.
- Having children may not be the root of all happiness. But if you don’t have children, at a certain age it’s hard to know what to do with yourself.
- Being nice to people may not be the root of all happiness, but if you’re nasty to people, you’re just bringing more misery into the world.
- Having a good tan may not be the root of all happiness. But if you have a good tan, it makes a nice smile show up that much better.
- Being with people may not be the root of all happiness. But if you’re by yourself too much, you can kind of let yourself go to hell.
Spanish speakers?
Posted on August 10, 2007
Filed Under Reason 4.0, Music, Advice, Any | Leave a Comment
Spanish speakers? Spanish speakers are a bit like Pakistani monster-truck drivers: yet to prove themselves in the bigger swim of things. Honestly, I’m not aware of any Spanish speakers that are all that great. Too much presence in the high-mids, and they’re notorious for “farty” lows.
Stick with the known brands, like Celestion, EV, and JBL, and you’ll get better quality and durability.
So I’m playing my second at the Preacher’s Sphincter…
Posted on August 9, 2007
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I’ve got a great lie, left side of fairway. Good angle at a very tight pin (the lads call this hole The Preacher’s Sphincter, but I can’t explain that now). Just as I’m about to enter The Zone of The Pre-Shot Routine, I hear a small engine sputtering, and back away from the shot.
Of course it’s my trusty Aid-de-camp of many years standing, Stokely, farting up the cart path on his dog-walking old Vespa.
“Dammit, Man!” I shout, “I almost lost my concentration hearing that awful weedy little engine. See here! I’ve got this pigeon two down, I’m looking good for three, and you come clamoring up on your rolling chain saw. What the hell do you want now?”
“Sorry to bother, Sir. But it is urgent like. Thought you needed to be apprised right away. I’ve received a very important bit of kittle, on the QT, and I thought I should get straight over,” Stokely ventured.
Deep down I knew Stokely’s heart was in the right place. Year’s of service and all that. So I backed off my churlish tone a bit, “Very good then. What is this urgent bit of kittle?”
“Word’s gone round, Sir. I heard some of the lads talking. Furtive like, if you know what I mean, Sir. I’ve heard said they need something by way of a Web/Interactive Designer over at Perich and Partners,” Stokely whispered, so the nearby cunning caddies would hear none of it.
“Well, my good Man! Why didn’t you say so sooner? That is a curious bit of news,” I whispered, now scratching my chin thoughtfully. “I say Stokely, right of you to bring this to me on the course. Sorry I got shirty, Old Boy. Tough shot ahead, and all that. But this does put a different gloss on things. A different gloss entirely…”
“I thought you’d see it that way, Sir,” interjected my faithful ADC.
“Of course they’ll want me,” I pointed out, perhaps needlessly.
“Quite so, Sir.”
“More than enough qualifications.”
“Aye, that’s true.”
“Years of experience… In depth knowledge of the latest techniques… Polished style… Cheery personality…even under duress of the most stressful kind…”
At which point Stokely interrupted my soliloquy, as it were, to point out, “Quite so, Sir. Any firm wanting a good Web/Interactive Designer would know to call you, Sir. You do beautiful work, Sir. Everybody knows that. Fast, too. You’ve got the top reputation, Sir. Very top. In town and all around, as the working girls say.”
“Why thank you, Stokely. I suppose that’s true. Yes it is true. If that’s all true, though, why haven’t these bastards called me yet?”
“I’ve thought on that, too, Sir. I have thought on that. You do have the top rep, Sir. So I thought, ‘maybe, just maybe, these blokes haven’t called because they’re worried about your price?”
“Stokely! You’ve holed it in one! Yes, it’s always the case when these agency fellows need talent, they always want the good old creative spark. But they’re afraid what it will cost! They want the cunning insight of magnificence, without the sting of high price, don’t they? They want the ne plus ultra quality-wise, but the vieux pain de jour price-wise! Someday, someway, can’t somebody teach these fellows a thing or two about false economy? Won’t they ever learn that the best is cheapest, in the long run.”
“It is a hard lesson, Sir. Especially for these sorts,” Stokely, as ever, sympathized.
“That’s the rub right there. They’re, sadly, afraid I would cost them too much…”
“I think that’s it, Sir. What do we do now?”
“You’re right. I’m not sure how to play this now that the wind has picked up…”
“Sir, I wasn’t talking about the pitch to the Preacher’s Sphincter. I was talking about, what should we do about the Perich and Partners situation?”
“Oh Stokely. I’m surprised at you. You know how we should play it. We should underplay it. Send in the resume. Simple as that. Send in the resume. But make sure we put in the convincer, too.”
“Convincer? What convincer?”
“Let them know you’re part of any deal. At no additional charge!”
“Oh, I see Sir. How can they resist sort of thing, and all that. Very good, Sir. I’ll get the resume over there at once.”
“And Stokely?”
“Yes, Sir? Is there something more?”
“Stokely, perhaps we should think of posting this to the blog? Under the heading, “How to write an attention-getting cover letter?”
“My sentiments exactly, Sir”
“Very good. Now hand me the L wedge. And stand the hell back!”
How do you keep your creativity alive?
Posted on August 8, 2007
Filed Under Creativity, Music, Advice, Design, Art | 1 Comment
Creativity is a small, tender seedling sprouting in the garden. Sordid forces could snuff this sprout before it grows into a healthy adult plant. The seedling could be stepped on by a dog or chewed on by a rabbit. It could be the victim of bugs, neglect or disease. Sordid forces threaten this tender sprout, just as sordid forces threaten any nascent creative impulse. To nurture the seedling to fruition, we need to protect it from threats, and let it can grow without interruption. We need to fence it off from the dog and the rabbit. We need to guard it from the pests and disease.
Likewise, we need to nurture our creative impulses: fence them off from threats, and guard them from the pests which could destroy them.
What the hell am I talking about? Well, if you get a creative idea, don’t kill it off too soon. If you have an idea, you need to foster it, nurture it and work with it to see where the idea can take your thinking and your work. Don’t kill the idea off before you’ve had a chance to explore it, to see what you can develop from it. And don’t let anybody else kill it off either!
What are the forces that kill off creative ideas? Well, they consist purely of simple negative phrases. Like, “That’s a crazy idea.” Or, “That sort of thing has been done to death.” Or, “Shakespeare already used that plot.” Anything negative phrase said or thought about the idea can kill it off. So you guard the idea, and your creativity, by keeping negative thoughts and impulses away from it. Way far away.
For instance, “Tommorow Never Knows” by The Beatles is a song with only one chord in it. Now that’s extremely unusual in music. Nearly unique actually. (Tommorow Never Knows is the one that starts out with a few sound effects and the lyric, “Turn off your mind relax and float downstream.”) The story goes that Lennon and McCartney were actually challenging themselves with the idea of writing a song with only one chord. Their starting point in the process was, “can we write a song with only one chord that will actually be musical, and make some sense?” Now, if, in kicking around this idea, this creative germ, one or the other had said, “Oh no. A one chord song would have no development or resolution. It’d suck. Let’s not even bother” then their creative impulse would have been smothered in its crib.
But they didn’t. They took the idea, and worked it and pushed it until they had something tangible. And what they ended up with was a very creative and unusual song, which helped define the entire psychedelic music era. Lennon and McCartney fostered their creativity by working in an atmosphere that negative thoughts and phrases could not penetrate. It was simple: they worked alone together, so no outside naysayer could smother one of their ideas. And they agreed beforehand to not be negative about any of the ideas they had. They might choose one idea in preference to another, but they would never say anything bad about any of their ideas.
Which reminds me of a brilliant thing my friend Nancy Bernard said, “Ideas are easy. It’s the energy and determination that turns them into something that’s hard.” New and fresh ideas come up so frequently, especially if you’re looking for them, that it’s easy to treat them as cheap, and do nothing further with them. But, herein lies a fatal trap. Because if you treat the ideas as easy and cheap, and don’t pursue them to any finish point, you soon won’t be pursuing anything. You’ll have destroyed your motivation, because you will no longer value your ideas.
So, when you get an idea, protect it form negative forces that might stunt its growth. Protect it from the naysayers who might say just the wrong thing, and kill it off before it’s barely geminated. Protect it from your own inclination to not value your ideas.
Writing down your idea might be a good way to show you that actually value it. Writing it down says you will actually think about the idea again, and come back to it, and might want to remember it. Keeping your idea secret until you’ve had a chance to work with it, and explore is probably a good way to protect from the naysayers who might talk you out of pursuing it.
And work with each idea. Explore its possibilities, study its nuances, see where it can lead you. Don’t ever discard an idea until you’ve really worked with it.
Here’s an idea, gratis: guy and a girl fall in love, but their families despise each other. It’s true that it’s a crazy idea, and it’s been done to death, and Shakespeare already used the plot. But with a little work, it might make a good play! Don’t kill the idea until you’ve explored it a little, and you’ll keep your creativity alive.